Great news?
 |
| angiogram |
So I survived my angiogram. I know that it’s a big deal to think about
how they take a camera and look at your arteries from the inside but I really
felt as though it was no different than going to the dentist. Kind of weird but really it is what they do
all day. So now I know I have no
blockages around my heart. Great news,
right? Well yes it is but at the same
time it leaves me wondering what is going on.
I had felt this tightness on three different occasions, I know something
isn’t right and now I am right where I started, not knowing.
What I am now experiencing is that
most everyone, hearing that I had no blockages want to do a high five and move
on. Problem is I am still standing here
feeling broken and not knowing why. I don’t want a high five, I want answers! I want to be fixed and I want to be at the
firehouse working my shift.
As I wait for my next appointment I
find my thoughts drifting to that place, making lists of the things that maybe
I shouldn’t or can’t do anymore. I like
being outdoors, being physically active.
Will I be able to continue to do the things I love? Part of the problem is that they cannot
duplicate the stress if firefighting to see what’s happening with my chest.
I found that to be telling in
itself. I know our job is hard but the
stress level is so great the doctors cannot duplicate the same levels. What we, as fireman, sign up for is to be
prepared to stretch our limits and push ourselves beyond measurable
stress. When you stop and think about it
you might think, why.
I have of course already received a
call from the work-comp adjuster to get my statement about what happened. He began by asking me to describe my work
duties. Really, how long do you
have? When I told him we drove to the
scene he asked if I was alone. I wasn’t
sure how to reply. The fireman in me
wanted to hammer him with an overly sarcastic remark, while at the same time I
couldn’t help but wonder if this guy was messing with me.
Once we got around to the angiogram
and the fact that it showed no blockages his response was, “Well maybe you were
just dehydrated or something.” I’m sorry
doctor, I didn’t catch your name, oh right, my bad, you’re not a doctor. My
mistake. This just exemplifies the fact
that most people outside the fire service just have no comprehension of what we
do, what we put ourselves through both mentally and physically.
I remember a few years ago meeting
with a back doctor about my ongoing back pain.
He took a quick look at my x-ray and MRI and told me I had the back of a
65 y.o. man. Too many years of jumping
up in the middle of the night, carrying people down stairs, and the list goes
on. Whatever is going on with me right now I can’t help but wonder, how many
years I have lost because of my chosen profession.
I have to clarify though, while one
hand I wonder how many years I have lost, at the same time I would never have
chosen a different path. I know that
each of us is given certain gifts, we have been made wonderfully by the
Lord. This is where He wanted me. I feel blessed that I have been able to serve
so many over the years.
Still there is that nagging
question that won’t go away. How many
years I have lost? I want to see
grandkids graduate. (If and when I have them) I have an amazing wife and I want
to spend time together enjoying life.
The deeper question that is lurking in my brain is assuming they figure
out what’s going on and I get released for duty, how much longer do I want to
do this?
This experience has really opened
my eyes to understanding that I really am finite. I have had a beginning and I will have an
ending. I am not old by the world
standards but just like dog years it would seem that I am old in fire house
years. In the mean time I will
wait. I will hold off on the high fives
and rest in the Lords grace.
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