What are We Supposed to Do?

     The following blog post was submitted by Peer Supporter Ryan Lettieri (Rolling Meadows FD) which includes a link to a pertinent article he read, along with his commentary on the same.  Please read the article, then his post.  Ryan’s hope is that this will start an open dialogue on this subject matter where others will also share their point of view in the Peer Reporter.  Thanks, Ryan for this entry.

http://station-pride.com/2015/12/13/why-dont-more-firefighters-have-ptsd/

 

     I recently read and digested the included article on PTSD and how it affects the fire service as a whole. I began to think if our hiring process, schedule, and culture is really designed to protect us from the trauma that we see on a daily basis or if we have negotiated and pursued these subconsciously in response to the trauma we see. After all, the culture (and schedule) of the modern fire service has changed over the years and can cause an applicant to try and "fit the build" of the type of individual he or she believes the department is searching for. 

 

Polygraph exam

     Our hiring process is a long, drawn-out waiting game followed by a week or two of complete terror as a candidate has every aspect of his or her personal life, physical capacity, and mental capacity examined, exposed, and investigated. It seems as if we as a profession want to "find the ones who are resilient" because they will likely function at a high level in the face of stress, not to mention they are less likely to stumble if they have clearance from a cardiologist, a detective, some guy running a polygraph, and a shrink......right? Nope, we have individuals that can no longer handle the job because either their personal or professional life was too much. There's no shame in that, it's not these individuals' fault, after all who would want to leave a career that they put so much effort into getting in the first place?

 

     When the trial does occur, the probation period includes input and evaluation from shift personnel and supervisors who are technically evaluating the candidate on ability to complete tasks and make decisions. The more I thought about what we look for in a new employee, it seems as if we envision that individual in the situations we've struggled in: maybe a fire, an intense medical call, or something else. 

 

     We see if we can picture that person having the capacity to persevere through the struggles we've felt both physically and mentally to ensure that the new firefighter will be able to effectively cope with what he or she is about to experience. Honestly, our evaluations are somewhat irrelevant and much too basic to be completed in a year of probation. We have to know that the new firefighter "gets it" and will learn how to cope with not only what he or she sees in the people we serve, but also in us. If they're struggling, we need to recognize the signs and talk to them. If we're struggling, we have to know that the new guy or girl will point it out to us in an acceptable way: not in a judgmental way, but as a friend. We must be sensitive to the needs of the individual and assure them that they will not be punished or ridiculed for the struggle they're experiencing. We must also attempt to assist our friends in the searching they must do for the root of the issue they're experiencing. 

 

     Let's face it, we're all a bit broken, and we EXPECT our friends to help us navigate our issues. After all, at some point we all play the role of a cardiologist, a detective, some guy running a polygraph........and a shrink.

 

Ryan Lettieri

The Most Important Person in the Self Care Paradigm is . . . You

     A few weeks ago I was one of three team members who had the opportunity to present the ILFFPS concept to the Bolingbrook Fire Department, the others being Kelli Krupa and Tom Howard.  Each time I present, I improve upon the delivery of our message by changing the emphasis on important points.  What has truly added to these events is the ability to share our informational video which eloquently drives home the point of our mission. 

     I begin the post-video discussion with the topic of situational awareness, that every first responder is schooled on during each professional development class that he or she attends.  Situational awareness basically means taking in the big picture, as well as being cognizant of your surroundings at all time (visual, auditory, or olfactory senses-don’t rely on the last one).  For example, you are inside a burning structure and you start to hear the building moan and creak-possibly signifying a pending collapse.  If you do not pay attention or miss this detail, the results could be disastrous.  One may ask at this point how this relates to behavioral health in the fire service.  Let’s take a look.

 

 

     I continue the conversation by relating that one of the most difficult things for a firefighter to do is to separate their professional from personal lives.  However, it is paramount that when at the scene of a fire the individual must focus on the task at hand versus allowing the mind to drift to the big argument he/she had that morning with their spouse or significant other.  Otherwise, they may miss that the fire started in the basement of a multifamily residence, and communicated to the third floor where it is showing upon arrival to the scene.  This leads to the second point in my discussion.

     All too often we can become overwhelmed and consumed by the demands of our daily personal lives.  This in turn affects our professional performance:  A once positive and happy firefighter begins to exhibit road rage, interpersonal conflict with peers, excessive sick days, etc.  They start to make errors at emergency scenes with regard to tactical decision-making.  Does any of this sound familiar?  One thing to keep in mind is that we are human beings first, and emergency responders second.  We are not superheroes nor infallible, and can succumb to the pressures of daily life just like anybody else. So, how do we keep our head in the game amongst any personal chaos?

 

 

     I conclude the presentation by stressing to my brothers and sisters that we, the individual, are the most important person in the self-care paradigm.  If we can recognize in ourselves that our ability to do the job is being stunted by our personal or professional conflicts, then it is time to step up and ask for help.  In the face of adversity, we must have the courage to ask for and except any assistance available on the road to healing.  It is always better to take care of oneself before someone else mandates that you do so (such as your chief).  Furthermore, if our colleague does not recognize they need help, then as a brother or sister we should have an honest conversation with that person and extend a hand of friendship and healing rather than condemnation.   However, at the end of the day, self-care is a personal responsibility.

     Future posts will cover self-help strategies. As always, if anyone out there wants to share their own healing experience please email me your story so that all may benefit.  Until next time-

Stay safe,

Tim

Cancer, Now What?

The following post was submitted by ILFFPS Peer Coordinator Chuck Wehrli (Naperville, ret.) about an all too important subject matter that is often ignored by the fire service.

     Reports are that 1 in 3 firefighters will come down with some type of cancer. Not very good odds but we can change this. With all the carcinogenic materials in the homes and vehicles we fight fires in, this is a better reason to not breathe smoke. Aggressive Officers need to make sure all PPE is worn and cleaned after every fire. The old crappy- looking gear is not a badge of machismo anymore, but more of laziness and egos.

     With these fires burning hotter and faster then ever before we need to set an example for our peers and the next generation firefighters. We also need to promote better health issues like smoking and chewing. It should be banned from the firehouses. I know some of you will say bullshit, I expect that but take it from someone that has had cancer, and as of this writing going through a different one now.

     A little about my journey:  I spent 34 years in the fire service where I was raised to get in, breath smoke, maybe throw up and go out and have a cigarette. That’s the way it was with very little use of an air pack. My leaders, some that were former military, said tough it out kid- that’s the job. Now things have changed, newer materials being used that we are finding out will kill us.  Fire retardants that can cause cancer that’s supposed to protect us and one easy fix: being knowledgeable and having the balls to protect each other and send our crews home safe.

     6 years after retirement I was diagnosed with stage 4 tongue cancer. It started with a lump on the side of my neck, went to the doctor who took a blood draw for testing. While out of town teaching a class the doctors office called and said it was highly suspicious malignancy and to follow up immediately.  Damn.  I saw a Doctor at Rush Hospital in Chicago who asked to look down my throat , I thought heck the lumps on my neck. Then the shock, ”you have stage four tongue cancer but I know how to take care of it”.  I looked at my wife with disbelief. My first thought was go figure, retired enjoying teaching across the country now this.

      Number one on the list that causes this type of cancer is chewing, which I have never done.  Down the list is smoking, breathing smoke, HPV virus, heavy Bourbon drinking, (which I don’t drink), and the possible effects of my time at “Ground Zero”.

     I really didn’t care what caused it, I just wanted it gone. So after 30 radiation and 6 chemo treatments, forty staples putting my neck back together, and the use of the Divinci Knife to remove the tumor off my tongue, I started my healing. I lost 50 pounds and my saliva glands, and to this day still can’t eat the things I used to enjoy.  I was cancer free until the day before Thanksgiving of this year when I was diagnosed with skin cancer. The Doc said its from being out in the sun and it’s the easiest one to fix.  Wow good news-  I guess.

     The great news is that I’m alive and can share this story to make it better for those in the fire service and those some day joining the fire service. We need good aggressive leaders that will always fight to protect their personnel either by enforcing keeping their mask on until it’s clear, wearing a seat belt, and sending them home at the end of their shift.  Make it Safe.

 

Chuck Wehrli

FireL7@aol.com

First Responders . . . After All, We Are Only Human

    

     Last week, I responded to calls for assistance that did not have a good outcome.  The first was a cardiac arrest which we worked by the numbers, our patient fought valiantly to stay with us, but in the end he passed away.  As a lieutenant, my job is to go back into the house to make sure we left no equipment behind, as well as get additional information about the patient that I would relay to the crew who left for the hospital.  Not knowing the family dynamics, I asked a woman what her relationship to the patient was.  She replied that he was her husband of close to 5 decades, and she fell in love with him when she was a young teenager.

 

     Now I have had to ask this question numerous times in over 21 years on the job, but her response struck an emotional chord with me.  As I returned alone to the firehouse, I reflected on how this couple made an extraordinary commitment of a lifetime that was about to conclude its earthly existence.  It weakened me to know that all of us humans will face this same scenario, and it is something we can never truly prepare for.  My heart sank for this couple on that very night.

     The second call which came the following shift, involved an industrial accident.  The patient was alert and oriented x 3, and talking with us the entire time.  He did have obvious traumatic injuries that seemed more benign at the time.  Once again, we worked this call by the numbers.  As the ambulance crew arrived at the hospital, he began to decompensate.  The hospital continued our care, and searched for the answers to this puzzle.  A few hours later, the patient died.  This call kept me awake for half the night trying to make sense out of this incident.

 

 

     In the days that followed I could feel my stress rising, but not to the point of a PTSD level.  This was confirmed during my next Nutrition Response Testing appointment when I found out that my adrenals and frontal brain area were weakened and needed additional nutritional supplementation.  However, it wasn’t until Tuesday’s yoga class, where the practice involved a kriya to relieve elementary stress- that the sense of peace and calm I have become so accustomed to had returned.  It was then that I learned a most important lesson.

     Thoughts in my head echoed the words of Matt Olson when he said “As long as we are doing this job, the hits are going to keep on coming.  What’s important is how we deal with them once we become aware of the effects on our psyche”.  Sage words of advice from someone who has been there, and done that.  The lesson I learned was this: We are going to respond to calls that may result in the death of a patient as it is part of the package deal that comes along with the oath we took.  Additionally, these types of calls may bring us down, but we must reconcile the fact that we did the best we could at the time on behalf of the patient.  After that, all we can do is offer a moment of silence, prayer, or reflection (based on your own personal belief system) that grants them safe passage to wherever their final destination may be.

     Just remember, it is not wrong or a sign of weakness to express emotion over the loss of another being, as this shows that you care.  However, don’t let these types of calls stack up to the point you are overwhelmed, and unable to function on or off the job.  Reach out for help, as this is why the ILFFPS exists as an entity.  After all, we are only human.

Until next time,

Take care and stay safe,

Tim

Reach Out and Heal Someone

Kelli Krupa
 

     Last week myself, Kelli Krupa, and Paul Gardner had the privilege of delivering the ILFFPS message to firefighters in MABAS 21 which was hosted by the Chicago Ridge Fire Department.  Two weeks prior to this event, I presented the message to the firefighter candidates at the Moraine Valley Fire Academy.  My thoughts about those few days will be included in the next team newsletter, but it really got me thinking about the two main reasons we exist as a team.

    First, we exist to help other firefighters in need by providing the actual peer support.  There is not a week or two that goes by where a brother or sister contacts us for help either through the established channels or through our own departments.  As Josh said in the video, it may take an hour or less for him to receive a handful of responses from members ready and willing to help someone in need.  After all, that is why we joined this team so we can spring into action similar to the we react when the bell goes off for another EMS or fire run.  I cannot think of a more gratifying experience than to change another person’s life for the better just by listening and sharing.  Every member of this team in his or her own right has walked a green mile that enables us to empathize with peers because we have been there, and done that.  Given all this, what other role do we carry out to support our mission statement?

     In the fire service, the role of public education and prevention is one of the most important tasks we carry out on a frequent basis.  We all like to play at a fire, but in order for this to happen, a citizen has to suffer what can be devastating losses to him/her.  Public education seeks to reduce these number of incidents in order to save lives and reduce losses by instilling the situational awareness (of fire safety) in the public at large.  So what does this have to do with the ILFFPS?  Let me explain.

 

Kelli Krupa and Paul Gardner

 

     Much like fire safety education, our public outreach efforts where we spread the word of our mission and existence is there to offer hope to others who are currently hiding in the shadows of behavioral health issues. Ultimately, our goal should be to help reduce the number of firefighters leaving the job prematurely(or taking their own life) because they became too physically, mentally, and emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted by the demands imposed on them.  We must take it to the streets (so to speak) and increase our exposure with all departments across the state.  Although we have been in existence for close to two years now, there are many firefighters who still do not know we are here for them.  I spoke with a few such persons at the Chicago Ridge event.  So what can we do as team members to get noticed?

 

·         Complete the Post-training presentation to your department ASAP, and on an annual basis (or whenever you get new personnel).

·         Be willing to step up and present to other departments, because the more we get noticed, the busier we will become, and the several that present regularly will need all the help they can get.

·         Approach your local EMS system and fire academies and ask if you can present to their students/candidates.

·         Encourage others to apply for future peer support trainings, especially if you feel they will make an excellent resource for others.

·         Do what you can to assist the team without overextending yourself.

·         Participate in the Rosecrance Florian peer support experience.

 

Illinois Fire Chiefs Association Annual Symposium

 

     This is not an all-inclusive list, so do not hesitate to contact your peer coordinator and offer other innovative ways we can get our presence felt in all firehouses across Illinois and beyond.  The most important part of the public outreach is that you get the chance to tell your story over and over again.  I said this before, but it is bears repeating: The more you tell your story, the easier it becomes.  Therefore, reach out and heal someone- because that someone you may be healing is you.  Until next time,

 

Be well and stay safe,

Tim

Back To Work

In the latest in a continuing series of posts, Tom Howard tells us that he was returned to duty after recent cardiac issues. Although he is "cleared" physically, thoughts still tumble around in his head  as to what's next.

     If you haven’t been following, I had developed what I called a “feeling” in my chest at a recent fire. In all honesty was chest pressure. I hesitate to call it that, after all I’m 49 not 69. Anyway, its official, I have returned to work full duty with no restrictions. That’s what the paper from the doctor says, with the added bonus from the city doctor that it was not duty related. According to my cardiologist when I am under a severe physical load the arteries around my heart go into a spasm causing the pressure and the feeling of fatigue. I cannot duplicate this on a stress test as it’s just not stressful enough. I think it is important for us to really understand that the stress levels we encounter cannot be duplicated outside of doing what each of us, as firefighters, are prepared to do every day.

     While the paper from the doctors may say no physical restrictions, I can assure you there are now some major mental restrictions. I, as a man of faith, will be the first to raise my hand to admit my broken humanity.  Yet the fact is, deep in the recesses of my brain I still felt that when I put on my uniform and wrapped myself in my black coat with the reflective strip, I was still invincible. I have spent the last couple weeks trying to wrap myself around where I now find myself. Now to be clear I don’t feel like I’m going to die, and I certainly didn’t have a near death experience.

     I was explaining how I was trying to wrap my head around what I thinking through all of this to my wife the other day. I told her that I feel as though I bought a house with a balloon payment and the balloon came sooner than I expected. I have known ever sense I began in the fire service in the eighties, that one day the constant abuse, both mental and physical, would take its toll. I call it my “windshield wiper theory.” A wiper is made to last 100,000 wipes, so if you leave them on after the rain stopped you are wasting them and they will quit working before expected. This is why at 46 years old when the orthopedic doctor looks at my MRI and says, “You have the back of a 65 year old man,” I’m not surprised. I have had my life on fast for longer than normal so the payments are starting to come due.

     I had mentioned previously that I would now describe myself as broken, or weak stock and yet I now have paperwork that says I am fit for duty. Unfortunately they can’t see past the physical. They tell me to take a daily pill to keep my arteries from going into a spasm but no one has anything or thought of offering anything for my growing anxiety of my looming balloon payment. As I put my gear on my rig yesterday I couldn’t help but wonder if I can still do this and how much longer. What will break next? What effect will taking the medication have long term?

    Honestly one of my biggest disappointments has come from the same people that only a few months ago shook my hand, gave me gift card and thanked me for my dedicated years of service. Now though, even with no history of heart decease in my family and not yet at the 50- year mark, I have a cardiac issue that of course is not duty related. This is not a surprise but it is a disappointment. Never the less I would not trade my years of serving back. I cannot imagine having spent my years doing anything rather than “living the dream.”

     Some of this might sound maybe a little heavy and I guess it is. Before I get too wrapped up in what can be overwhelming details that can drag me down I like to keep it all in perspective. I often think about the book of Matthew and Jesus is talking to the disciples and says, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” I like to think that as fireman, how much more we offer ourselves for complete strangers. Remember none of us are alone. We all carry a heavy burden in one way or another. Reach out, ask for help, it’s there. If we can lay our lives down, one call at a time, how much more can we be there for our friends and brothers. IFFPS! 

 

 

Who Are The Real Heroes In This World?

     When we think about heroes the list is endless: Batman, Robin, Spiderman, Hulk, Iron Man, Wonder Woman, The Justice League of America, and so on.  How about sports figures: Michael Jordan, Lebron James, Nolan Ryan, Reggie Jackson, Derrick Jeter, etc.  As kids (past and present) our list was endless as to who we wanted to be like, especially if they were a key player in either stopping the bad guys or winning a world championship.  Alas, we are all grown up and yet we will still hold on to these fond memories for time and eternity.  As first responders, we are often viewed as heroes to this world.  This begs the question: Who are the real heroes to the men and women who pin on the badge?

     To me the answer is quite simple: our personal heroes should be the ones who have endured great sacrifice while standing side-by-side with us during what can inevitably be a career wrought with a rollercoaster of emotions-our spouses or significant others.  It is no secret to anyone who has heard me speak about my wife Judy as being my best friend in the whole, wide world.  She really is my true personal hero as she withstood the litmus test of time during my 16 year battle with post-traumatic stress.  A lesser person might have walked away, but not Judy-she stood strong through it all and I love her deeply for her support.  Be that as it may, even our personal heroes have their kryptonite.

Colleen Murphy

     Not everyone may be blessed as I am to have married a woman so strong.  I do not have the latest statistics on divorce rates amongst first responders, but I bet it hovers around 50% (if anyone can correct me-please do so).  I think many of who joined ILFFPS, can concur that we had to learn the hard way because discussions about behavioral health issues was not the norm when we first started.  Therefore, there were very few places that either ourselves or significant others could turn to for help.  Thankfully, someone recognized this need and answered the call: Colleen Murphy.

     Colleen, the wife of an Aurora firefighter, is the Family and Significant Other Program Coordinator for the ILFFPS team.  She is also a mom and hair stylist who recognized a segment population in the first responder world was sorely underserved- that being herself and others just like her.  Colleen lived in this world for 10 plus years before she answered the call.  Even though she got it as a firefighter’s wife, she felt there was still so much to learn and understand about those that go Mach two with their hair on fire all the time.  To better prepare herself, Colleen was a student in Sarah’s Firefighter Psychological Support Therapist class and did very well according to her instructor.  This past January, Colleen and Matt held the first formal significant other class at Alsip which was well-received by all who attended.

 

     If you have never had the opportunity to meet Colleen, I encourage you to do so.  She is both a highly intelligent and intuitive person who is very much tuned into our world.  You can find her contact information on our team website to schedule a presentation for your department.  The significant other class is a few hours well spent for both you and your personal hero (if you view them this way), and they will thank you for it.  Remember, they have their breaking point just like us.  They are the real heroes in this world.   Until next time:

 

Stay safe,

Tim

The Paradox of Peer Support

     A couple of weeks ago, I was approached by a new friend and business mentor Dr. Debra Lindh (Owner of Mindful Effect), to co-host on her new Twitter chat with the moniker #MindfulEffect.  I connected with Deb through another Twitter chat I participate in (#PTSDChat) when she contacted me to learn more about the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support team.  We had an awesome phone conversation where I then accepted the offer to co-host the inaugural chat.  Fellow team member and Peer Coordinator Andy Perry also participated in this chat after he learned about it through a blast email sent by Josh.

     The next day, I sent Andy an email thanking him for participating in the chat to help further educate the masses about behavioral health issues.  Andy wrote back and said that the healing effect of helping (peer supporting) fellow firefighters is in and of itself a paradox.  Andy, not only is this a paradox, but also a very cathartic (cleansing) experience as well.  I said this once before: the more you tell your story, the easier it becomes.  Tom Howard has recently answered this call to action.

     In my personal experience as a peer supporter, I have seen and heard the relief (in the eyes and voices) of a brother or sister in need when they realize that someone else out there just like them, has felt the same raw emotions of this career.  Today (9/3/15), I was bestowed another God-given opportunity to cleanse the echoes of my mind when I participated (along with several other members of the team) in the filming of a video about our group.  I was asked to tell my story, how I am healing, and what involvement in ILFFPS means to me.  I held it together up until the very end when I talked about my best friend in the whole, wide, world: my wife Judy who rode the rollercoaster of PTSD emotions with me for over 16 years.  A lesser person would have walked away from this, yet she did not.  My love for her grows stronger with each passing day as I am still in awe of her courage to face this head on.

 

     The paradox that Andy spoke can be simply stated as this: we are given the gift to help others in need and at the same time, heal from our own wounds.  How great is that!!!  My new friend Dr. Deb, in a recent tweet, captured the essence and mission of what ILFFPS is all about and I quote: “Peer to peer support provides mentoring & positive role models on the journey of healing & recovery.”  I leave you with the latest installment from the Zac Brown Band that eloquently states the key ingredient needed for both the success of our team, and personal growth as individuals.  Enjoy.

Stay safe and be well,

Tim

 

Great News?

     In this latest of a continuing series of blog posts, Tom Howard shares the results of his angiogram.  While he should be elated by the good news, Tom still has doubts and wonders what is truly going on with him from both a physical and professional standpoint.

Great news?

angiogram

     So I survived my angiogram.  I know that it’s a big deal to think about how they take a camera and look at your arteries from the inside but I really felt as though it was no different than going to the dentist.  Kind of weird but really it is what they do all day.  So now I know I have no blockages around my heart.  Great news, right?  Well yes it is but at the same time it leaves me wondering what is going on.  I had felt this tightness on three different occasions, I know something isn’t right and now I am right where I started, not knowing.

     What I am now experiencing is that most everyone, hearing that I had no blockages want to do a high five and move on.  Problem is I am still standing here feeling broken and not knowing why. I don’t want a high five, I want answers!  I want to be fixed and I want to be at the firehouse working my shift. 

     As I wait for my next appointment I find my thoughts drifting to that place, making lists of the things that maybe I shouldn’t or can’t do anymore.  I like being outdoors, being physically active.  Will I be able to continue to do the things I love?  Part of the problem is that they cannot duplicate the stress if firefighting to see what’s happening with my chest.

    I found that to be telling in itself.  I know our job is hard but the stress level is so great the doctors cannot duplicate the same levels.  What we, as fireman, sign up for is to be prepared to stretch our limits and push ourselves beyond measurable stress.  When you stop and think about it you might think, why.   

     I have of course already received a call from the work-comp adjuster to get my statement about what happened.  He began by asking me to describe my work duties.  Really, how long do you have?  When I told him we drove to the scene he asked if I was alone.  I wasn’t sure how to reply.  The fireman in me wanted to hammer him with an overly sarcastic remark, while at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder if this guy was messing with me.

     Once we got around to the angiogram and the fact that it showed no blockages his response was, “Well maybe you were just dehydrated or something.”  I’m sorry doctor, I didn’t catch your name, oh right, my bad, you’re not a doctor. My mistake.  This just exemplifies the fact that most people outside the fire service just have no comprehension of what we do, what we put ourselves through both mentally and physically.     

     I remember a few years ago meeting with a back doctor about my ongoing back pain.  He took a quick look at my x-ray and MRI and told me I had the back of a 65 y.o. man.  Too many years of jumping up in the middle of the night, carrying people down stairs, and the list goes on. Whatever is going on with me right now I can’t help but wonder, how many years I have lost because of my chosen profession. 

     I have to clarify though, while one hand I wonder how many years I have lost, at the same time I would never have chosen a different path.  I know that each of us is given certain gifts, we have been made wonderfully by the Lord.  This is where He wanted me.  I feel blessed that I have been able to serve so many over the years.

     Still there is that nagging question that won’t go away.  How many years I have lost?  I want to see grandkids graduate. (If and when I have them) I have an amazing wife and I want to spend time together enjoying life.  The deeper question that is lurking in my brain is assuming they figure out what’s going on and I get released for duty, how much longer do I want to do this?

     This experience has really opened my eyes to understanding that I really am finite.  I have had a beginning and I will have an ending.  I am not old by the world standards but just like dog years it would seem that I am old in fire house years.  In the mean time I will wait.  I will hold off on the high fives and rest in the Lords grace.

  

The Day Before

In this third installment, Tom Howard recounts his thoughts and emotions the day before his cardiogram.

     So here I am one day before I go under and let a doctor poke around my heart.  Funny how I don’t really think of it much more than going to the dentist really.  Actually I don’t think it is much different than what I do.  Go in, look for damage. Check for extension and clean it up.  Ok maybe a little different. After all, I have always said the F.D. doesn’t stand for fire department, it stands for free destruction.  I hope the doctor has a little different technique than I do.

     I have to admit my biggest struggle with all of this is admitting what happened.  Logically, I know chest pain is caused from a lack of oxygen secondary to a lack of blood flow.  My imagination still says it couldn’t, didn’t, happen.  I still want to sort out in my head how it could have been muscular, or maybe I should have had more water during the day, that would have kept me from being dehydrated and causing that “feeling” in my chest.

     To really name it and call it chest pain says that I had a heart attack, though I can assure you that didn’t happen, right?  After all I’m only 49.  To admit I had a heart attack is to admit I am weak.  Each time I shared what happened, it pained me to admit it. 

     A couple times I even said out loud that I was broken.  I have this image of Scar from Lion King in my head.  I don’t remember the exact exchange, however I do recall when he is downplaying something he has done and in a very regretful tone, Scar laments being born in the shallow end of the gene pool.        

     That’s where my head goes.  I wonder, have I been born in the shallow end?  Am I too weak and broken?  I often joke with guys when any of us get hurt about being weak stock, and we all laugh.  I’m not laughing now though, after all I’m a fireman, I am invincible.  I am not like Scar from the shallow end, I am Clint Eastwood, always on top, indestructible, always winning in the end. (Except of course for Gran Torino where he dies in the end.)

     I know that my other big struggle that I know is ahead of me is humility.  You see, I have always been the go to guy—If it’s broke I fix it, whatever it may be.  Not only can I not help others right now, but I also need to admit I need help. Even further, I need to stop and allow others around me to help me.

     The fact is that most of my struggles with this event, from its inception to the surgery, to recovery, is all a pride issue.  Proverbs tells us that, with pride comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.  I need to understand and admit that while the Lord made me in his image I am also human.  I love the quote from Terentius. (159 BC, an old dead guy) “I am human, I consider nothing human alien to me.”

     You see the fact is that while I want to be indestructible like Clint Eastwood, I am actually more like Scar in that I am merely a human. I am broken from the start and can only find fullness in my faith, in striving to be like Christ even if I act or try to often to be like Clint.  I would just ask the Lord to not have me like Clint in Gran Torino.   

So Now What?

In the second of a continuing series of blog posts, Tom Howard continues to share his thoughts and feelings as he goes under the microscope of his cardiologist as they investigate the cause of his chest discomfort.

So now what?

     As you may have read previously I had what I called that, “never felt that before moment.”  As I approach my 50^th birthday I have had many of these moments.  If you have spent any time in the fire service I bet you have too.  You know that stiff shoulder that has never bothered you before or that elbow that for no reason decided that this is the day to offer up shooting pain just because.  Spending most of my time in the fire service living is a two story station I can remember the first time I woke up headed down the stairs and by about the third step suddenly realized I had knees and they were not very happy about being woke from a good rest and walking down the steps.

     Most of these ailments are minor and transient.  But here I am having both my knees scoped, cleaned up, and living with chronic back pain.  I don’t think that any of this has come as a real surprise to me as I watched and listened to the “old timers” when I got on the job.  But as I wrote about my experience from the other night I realized this is much different.  I didn’t want to say anything and I hesitated to call it chest pain, who wants to admit that?  I still struggle to name it.

     Never the less, I did the right thing and followed up with my doctor.  My doctor didn’t hesitate to send me off to the cardiologist.  I explained to the cardiologist that I had felt this “feeling” in my chest two times prior, both in a training exercises.  Neither episode was to this level but enough that I noticed it and remembered it.

     The cardiologist didn’t hesitate to move to a cardiogram, seeing as how I just had my physical and a stress test.  So there I was, 49 years old and talking about my heart. She had mentioned a couple times about how this was different because I was “younger.”  I had got the impression that this being younger was going to work to my advantage.  I then thought well lucky me, I’m young, but at the same time I thought, why am I young and talking to a cardiologist? 

     This isn’t a sore knee or stiff shoulder.  So many things were and are running through my head.  What if I’m done working?  What if I struggle with this forever?  Will I be able to return to the firehouse and my family here?  Then I also start wondering if I want to.  The fact is there is no history of heart disease in my family.  I am convinced that whatever this turns out to be it is a result of my years living a job that has immeasurable stress.

     With  the cardiogram just a couple days away I will continue to rest in the Lord.  I have full confidence in the doctors and the procedure.  I know that He has a plan for me.  Maybe, just maybe, part of the Lords plan is for me to share my experience.  I can’t help but wonder how many of my brothers didn’t just ignore the first or second time but the fifth or sixth.  How many returned to the house and collapsed from heart failure?  I’m ok with being a statistic as long as I’m alive to read it!   

Never Felt That Before

     The following submission comes from Tom Howard who serves as an ILFFPS Team member, and is also a fire apparatus engineer with the City of Evanston FD.  Tom is working with Cody Todd on the Chaplain's division for our group.  Thanks, Tom for sharing your story.

     As I am sure most of us are aware we all have those times in our careers when we think to ourselves, “Never had that happen before.”  With my paid on call time and 22 plus years as a career fireman I have had many of those thoughts over the years.  But this one was different, way different.

     So many of us work with the never give up attitude in the firehouse and it is even greater on the fire scene.  The idea that we can never show a sign of weakness lest we be judged not big enough, strong enough, or tough enough to do “the Job.” I definitely fit into that category of, never say I quit!

     But there I was, after finishing the primary search on the first floor, and then opening up the roof.  My company was given their third assignment, “Go in and start overhauling the kitchen.”  The two story house that had been converted into two apartments was still charged with enough smoke and heat to require going back on air. 

     Being a good soldier, I tightened up the mask and clicked on the regulator.  As I drew in my breath to open the regulator I was overwhelmed with exhaustion, feeling that I wouldn’t be able to lift my arms above my shoulders.  I then became aware that I was breathing very heavy and feeling as though I needed more air than I could take in. 

     It was in that moment I felt it.  Not pain, not an ache, but yet there it was, this weird feeling. My chest, huh, I never felt that before.  So there I was, exhausted, out of breath, and feeling for lack of a better term, not right.  But wait, I’m a good soldier, I’m indestructible, and I get the job done.  What do I do now? 

     I called it.  I tapped out. I told my Captain I had to step out.  I was done and needed to take a break.  With that I walked out and pulled my pack and coat off and sucked the warm water spraying out of a hose coupling.  It took a good 10-15 minutes for me to regain my energy but it took a couple of days to recover from the night.

     All too often as fireman, we get a false sense of invisibility that makes us push through anything we are confronted with, thinking we need to endure whatever confront us.  In my time in the fire service I have watched too many of my co-workers, my friends, and the people I call my second family go down because they likely refused to stop for whatever reason.  I wonder now if they had felt any of the warning signs. 

     I believe that like so many things in life we are given warnings.  Was this my warning shot?  What am I being warned about?  Is it time for me to slow down?  So many questions but one obvious answer, I need to step up to the challenge of being human.  Just like most other things in life we all have an expiration date. There is only so much I can handle, both physically and mentally.

    Just as I needed to tap out from the physical demands from that fire so I must also tap out when the mental demands become more than I can bear.  For the fire, command just sent in the next company to take over and the job got done.  After the fire was out and the next day as I thought about what just happened I am now confronted with the reality of my time fighting the fight is limited.

     What do I do now is the question that haunts the depths of my mind, in places I don’t want to go.  We all have that place even if we don’t admit it, it there and it effects how we live our life.  For me, my saving grace is close friends that understand me and what I do.  Even more that my circle of friends is my Christian faith.  I know with all my heart that the Lord has brought me to this place for His plan.  I will rest in knowing that He knows what is next for me.  In the mean time I will continue to serve and grow in understanding of my limitations.     

 

 

     If you can relate in any way but feel alone in the mix of your situation please reach out! ILFFPS is probably the best resource I have seen for firefighters in my years in the service.  Please don’t go it alone.