The Day Before

In this third installment, Tom Howard recounts his thoughts and emotions the day before his cardiogram.

     So here I am one day before I go under and let a doctor poke around my heart.  Funny how I don’t really think of it much more than going to the dentist really.  Actually I don’t think it is much different than what I do.  Go in, look for damage. Check for extension and clean it up.  Ok maybe a little different. After all, I have always said the F.D. doesn’t stand for fire department, it stands for free destruction.  I hope the doctor has a little different technique than I do.

     I have to admit my biggest struggle with all of this is admitting what happened.  Logically, I know chest pain is caused from a lack of oxygen secondary to a lack of blood flow.  My imagination still says it couldn’t, didn’t, happen.  I still want to sort out in my head how it could have been muscular, or maybe I should have had more water during the day, that would have kept me from being dehydrated and causing that “feeling” in my chest.

     To really name it and call it chest pain says that I had a heart attack, though I can assure you that didn’t happen, right?  After all I’m only 49.  To admit I had a heart attack is to admit I am weak.  Each time I shared what happened, it pained me to admit it. 

     A couple times I even said out loud that I was broken.  I have this image of Scar from Lion King in my head.  I don’t remember the exact exchange, however I do recall when he is downplaying something he has done and in a very regretful tone, Scar laments being born in the shallow end of the gene pool.        

     That’s where my head goes.  I wonder, have I been born in the shallow end?  Am I too weak and broken?  I often joke with guys when any of us get hurt about being weak stock, and we all laugh.  I’m not laughing now though, after all I’m a fireman, I am invincible.  I am not like Scar from the shallow end, I am Clint Eastwood, always on top, indestructible, always winning in the end. (Except of course for Gran Torino where he dies in the end.)

     I know that my other big struggle that I know is ahead of me is humility.  You see, I have always been the go to guy—If it’s broke I fix it, whatever it may be.  Not only can I not help others right now, but I also need to admit I need help. Even further, I need to stop and allow others around me to help me.

     The fact is that most of my struggles with this event, from its inception to the surgery, to recovery, is all a pride issue.  Proverbs tells us that, with pride comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.  I need to understand and admit that while the Lord made me in his image I am also human.  I love the quote from Terentius. (159 BC, an old dead guy) “I am human, I consider nothing human alien to me.”

     You see the fact is that while I want to be indestructible like Clint Eastwood, I am actually more like Scar in that I am merely a human. I am broken from the start and can only find fullness in my faith, in striving to be like Christ even if I act or try to often to be like Clint.  I would just ask the Lord to not have me like Clint in Gran Torino.   

So Now What?

In the second of a continuing series of blog posts, Tom Howard continues to share his thoughts and feelings as he goes under the microscope of his cardiologist as they investigate the cause of his chest discomfort.

So now what?

     As you may have read previously I had what I called that, “never felt that before moment.”  As I approach my 50^th birthday I have had many of these moments.  If you have spent any time in the fire service I bet you have too.  You know that stiff shoulder that has never bothered you before or that elbow that for no reason decided that this is the day to offer up shooting pain just because.  Spending most of my time in the fire service living is a two story station I can remember the first time I woke up headed down the stairs and by about the third step suddenly realized I had knees and they were not very happy about being woke from a good rest and walking down the steps.

     Most of these ailments are minor and transient.  But here I am having both my knees scoped, cleaned up, and living with chronic back pain.  I don’t think that any of this has come as a real surprise to me as I watched and listened to the “old timers” when I got on the job.  But as I wrote about my experience from the other night I realized this is much different.  I didn’t want to say anything and I hesitated to call it chest pain, who wants to admit that?  I still struggle to name it.

     Never the less, I did the right thing and followed up with my doctor.  My doctor didn’t hesitate to send me off to the cardiologist.  I explained to the cardiologist that I had felt this “feeling” in my chest two times prior, both in a training exercises.  Neither episode was to this level but enough that I noticed it and remembered it.

     The cardiologist didn’t hesitate to move to a cardiogram, seeing as how I just had my physical and a stress test.  So there I was, 49 years old and talking about my heart. She had mentioned a couple times about how this was different because I was “younger.”  I had got the impression that this being younger was going to work to my advantage.  I then thought well lucky me, I’m young, but at the same time I thought, why am I young and talking to a cardiologist? 

     This isn’t a sore knee or stiff shoulder.  So many things were and are running through my head.  What if I’m done working?  What if I struggle with this forever?  Will I be able to return to the firehouse and my family here?  Then I also start wondering if I want to.  The fact is there is no history of heart disease in my family.  I am convinced that whatever this turns out to be it is a result of my years living a job that has immeasurable stress.

     With  the cardiogram just a couple days away I will continue to rest in the Lord.  I have full confidence in the doctors and the procedure.  I know that He has a plan for me.  Maybe, just maybe, part of the Lords plan is for me to share my experience.  I can’t help but wonder how many of my brothers didn’t just ignore the first or second time but the fifth or sixth.  How many returned to the house and collapsed from heart failure?  I’m ok with being a statistic as long as I’m alive to read it!   

Never Felt That Before

     The following submission comes from Tom Howard who serves as an ILFFPS Team member, and is also a fire apparatus engineer with the City of Evanston FD.  Tom is working with Cody Todd on the Chaplain's division for our group.  Thanks, Tom for sharing your story.

     As I am sure most of us are aware we all have those times in our careers when we think to ourselves, “Never had that happen before.”  With my paid on call time and 22 plus years as a career fireman I have had many of those thoughts over the years.  But this one was different, way different.

     So many of us work with the never give up attitude in the firehouse and it is even greater on the fire scene.  The idea that we can never show a sign of weakness lest we be judged not big enough, strong enough, or tough enough to do “the Job.” I definitely fit into that category of, never say I quit!

     But there I was, after finishing the primary search on the first floor, and then opening up the roof.  My company was given their third assignment, “Go in and start overhauling the kitchen.”  The two story house that had been converted into two apartments was still charged with enough smoke and heat to require going back on air. 

     Being a good soldier, I tightened up the mask and clicked on the regulator.  As I drew in my breath to open the regulator I was overwhelmed with exhaustion, feeling that I wouldn’t be able to lift my arms above my shoulders.  I then became aware that I was breathing very heavy and feeling as though I needed more air than I could take in. 

     It was in that moment I felt it.  Not pain, not an ache, but yet there it was, this weird feeling. My chest, huh, I never felt that before.  So there I was, exhausted, out of breath, and feeling for lack of a better term, not right.  But wait, I’m a good soldier, I’m indestructible, and I get the job done.  What do I do now? 

     I called it.  I tapped out. I told my Captain I had to step out.  I was done and needed to take a break.  With that I walked out and pulled my pack and coat off and sucked the warm water spraying out of a hose coupling.  It took a good 10-15 minutes for me to regain my energy but it took a couple of days to recover from the night.

     All too often as fireman, we get a false sense of invisibility that makes us push through anything we are confronted with, thinking we need to endure whatever confront us.  In my time in the fire service I have watched too many of my co-workers, my friends, and the people I call my second family go down because they likely refused to stop for whatever reason.  I wonder now if they had felt any of the warning signs. 

     I believe that like so many things in life we are given warnings.  Was this my warning shot?  What am I being warned about?  Is it time for me to slow down?  So many questions but one obvious answer, I need to step up to the challenge of being human.  Just like most other things in life we all have an expiration date. There is only so much I can handle, both physically and mentally.

    Just as I needed to tap out from the physical demands from that fire so I must also tap out when the mental demands become more than I can bear.  For the fire, command just sent in the next company to take over and the job got done.  After the fire was out and the next day as I thought about what just happened I am now confronted with the reality of my time fighting the fight is limited.

     What do I do now is the question that haunts the depths of my mind, in places I don’t want to go.  We all have that place even if we don’t admit it, it there and it effects how we live our life.  For me, my saving grace is close friends that understand me and what I do.  Even more that my circle of friends is my Christian faith.  I know with all my heart that the Lord has brought me to this place for His plan.  I will rest in knowing that He knows what is next for me.  In the mean time I will continue to serve and grow in understanding of my limitations.     

 

 

     If you can relate in any way but feel alone in the mix of your situation please reach out! ILFFPS is probably the best resource I have seen for firefighters in my years in the service.  Please don’t go it alone. 

In the Heat of the Moment, How Do You Maintain Balance?

The fire service is a dynamic entity where you find that no two days are exactly alike and can be seemingly unpredictable.  As members, we are called upon at a moment’s notice to respond to situations that can place our lives in jeopardy: structure fires, auto accidents, confined space and hazmat incidents, EMS calls, water rescues, and so on.  Anyone reading this post would make the argument that our profession contributes to a heightened stress response, which is made more complex by the fact that we are asked to live with the same group for extended periods of time (sometimes we get along . . . sometimes we don’t).  Given all this, how do you maintain balance?

    The adrenaline junkie in all of us says its okay to be ramped up for a call as we will perform better (or win that disagreement with a co-worker).  However, this rush can rob us of situational awareness (seeing the big picture), and can create tunnel vision (narrow focus). So, what can we do to prevent such a consequence from occurring?

     Since I began healing from the wounds of post-traumatic stress over sixteen months ago, I added an effective technique to my tool box that has helped me to harness the rising energy created by both calls for service and interpersonal conflicts with fellow firefighters: meditation.  Don’t worry, I am not going to go all Zen on you and talk about floating away to some transcendental plane – I am just going to discuss using the breath as a tool to calm and refocus us to what is important during critical moments of our day.  One of the best places to start the practice is right at the source of most of our daily occupational stress: the firehouse

Simple Meditation

1.      Sitting in a chair or lying in your bunk with your eyes closed, begin to focus in on the rise and fall of your abdomen/chest with each breath. 

2.      After several cycles of normal breathing, start to control the breath by inhaling to a count of five, hold for a second or two, and then exhale for a count of five. 

3.      Begin your meditation practice by starting with a length of five minutes and work your way to a goal of 45 minutes. The length of time is not as important as the quality and focus of your practice. Use the timer on your smartphone to keep you on point.

4.      Now comes the tricky part: while working with your breathing, take note of what your mind is doing.   At the very beginning you will most likely notice that it is very active and full of chatter.  More often than not, the mind wanders between what has already occurred, and future events that may or may not come to fruition.  When this happens, acknowledge the presence of these thoughts without judgment, let them go, and return to the breath as your center of focus.  You always want to dwell in the present moment because it knows no past nor future.

5.      Do not become discouraged if your mind wanders several times during your meditation practice as this is normal.  In time, the mind will become quieter and allow you to dwell within a new found peace.

6.      I practice Kundalini yoga (more on this at a later time) which incorporates meditation into this eastern art form.  When I meditate, I will listen to kundalini music which also settles my mind.  It still wanders from time to time, but I never let myself become discouraged- I just push onward and upward.

7.      Another alternative is to start with a guided (instructional meditation) where you will follow the voice of another throughout the practice.

     The ultimate goal is to make this meditative practice a part of the fabric of your daily life to be done at both the firehouse and home or wherever you see fit.  The next time you get are about to get into a heated discussion with a co-worker walk away, meditate for at least five minutes, and then see if you can return with a renewed sense of emotional clarity to begin the conversation once again. 

     The key take away from this discussion is that with dedicated practice, you will be able to invoke the parasympathetic (relaxation) response by focusing on the breath.  A calm body will equal a clear mind that opens us to wider situational awareness capabilities when we most need it- where the rubber meets the road.  If you have other ways in which you control your emotional responses, please submit send them to me at timgrutzius@gmail.com for inclusion in a future post so that others may also benefit.  Until next time . . .

Stay safe,

Tim

Observations From the Field

     The Peer Reporter is an educational forum dedicated to giving a voice to behavioral health.  One of the ways in which we as team members can meet this goal is to report back on our personal observations from the field.  Adding a human dimension to the pages of this blog is one of the best ways I know to spread the message of the ILFFPS. 

     Back in early April of this year, I wrote an entry in my own blog where I shared both a personal experience with the Champaign class, and my interpretation of what it means to be a peer supporter.  Matt posted (with my permission) this story to the original form of the ILFFPS blog.  In the months that have passed, our team has grown by two more graduating classes and another is on the way.  We have also expanded our social media presence to include a Twitter account (something suggested by the Champaign class).  We are even receiving requests from other countries who want to learn more about our organization.

     Given all these recent events, I am going to re-share with you my observations from the field as was written on April 5^th, 2015.  By breathing emotional life into our body of work, the more we will resonate with those who seek our services.  As always, I encourage you as a team member to send me what’s on your mind, because SHARING = HEALING.  I now present you with:

Peer Supporters are the Ambassadors to Behavioral Health

    “Last week, the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Team (under the guidance of Sarah Gura and Matt Olson) held its third training program at the Illinois Fire Service Institute in Champaign. As a team member, I attended the first day of class and had the honor and privilege of sharing my story with the new group of applicants, and they with me.  Listening to a fellow firefighter’s story has always had a profound effect on me and I learn something different, or confirm what I already knew, each time I go through this experience.  Before I share my observations I want to tell you a little more about our team.

     As Program Director Matt Olson put it: “The ILFFPS was the brainchild of Sarah Gura” (a licensed professional clinical counselor) who recognized a population in the State of Illinois that was underserved in the realm of behavioral health, that being firefighters and their families.  Through the collaborative efforts of Sarah, Matt, and a core group of dedicated firefighters who were passionate about behavioral health, the ILFFPS was born.  The inaugural training was held in April of 2014, and as of this writing the third group of applicants are now team members.  This organization is a work in progress, but continues to grow in strength with each passing day.

 

     The following Mission Statement and definition of Peer Support are taken directly from our website:

Mission Statement

“To serve the fire service family by providing trained peer supporters who can give confidential, appropriate, and supportive assistance” (ILFFPS, 2015).

Peer Support Defined

“For the intents and purposes of firefighter peer support teams, peer support is defined as a service provided by an individual or group of trained firefighters who respond to firefighters in need- whether that need be a personal or professional concern.  Peer support teams will serve as a helping resource for fire service employees and their families.

Peer support also seeks to help fire service personnel reduce stress and diminish the negative emotional effects of this occupation.  Peer support specifically acknowledges the need to address mental/behavioral health needs for fire service employees and their families.  Our goal is to increase acceptance of this need through the practice of peer support” (ILFFPS, 2015).

     These statements define both the team and its mission.  If you would like more information about us please visit: http://www.ilffps.org/index.html.  That being said, peer support has a much deeper meaning to me, something I confirmed this past Monday.

 

 

     As each story was laid out on the table (so to speak), I could feel the angst as well as see the tears flow from many of my brother and sister firefighters.  Most of the personal pain was the result of bearing witness to the horrors that our profession often heaps upon us.  However, many related about hardships and traumas that were inflicted upon them long before they entered the fire service (personal history can have a direct bearing on how one will respond to or act out upon, should a future incident of a similar nature strike an emotional cord). Coupled together, it is no wonder why so many of us suffer from behavioral health issues.  As I drove home that day, I reflected on my experience and came to a sudden realization:

 

    Those of us that make up the team are bound by a common thread that the concept of peer support, or behavioral health for that matter, was not discussed in the firehouse when we began our careers. I can only speak for myself in saying that I wished it had existed when I was a rookie, as it would have saved me a whole lot of emotional and physical turmoil.  If I were a betting man (and I am not), I think most of my fellow team members would echo my sentiments.

     We all learned the hard way, and that is okay.  For it is in these trials and tribulations that we will take our lessons learned and answer the call for help with a sense of confidence and compassion that knows no bounds.  It is our fundamental duty as a member of the human race to leave the world a little better off than we found it, and as peer supporters I believe we will do just that.  It is for these reasons my friends why I say peer supporters are the ambassadors to behavioral health. Not only for the fire service, but for all humankind as well.”

 

References

Home page of the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Team.  Retrieved from http://www.ilffps.org/index.html on April 4th, 2015.

Grutzius, T. (2015, April 5).  Peer Supporters are the Ambassadors to Behavioral Health.  Message posted to Self Care and Fitness Education blog: http://abalancedlifeselfcare.blogspot.com/2015/04/peer-supporters-are-ambassadors-to.html