As I am sure most of us are aware
we all have those times in our careers when we think to ourselves, “Never had
that happen before.” With my paid on
call time and 22 plus years as a career fireman I have had many of those
thoughts over the years. But this one
was different, way different.
So many of us work with the never give up attitude in the firehouse and
it is even greater on the fire scene.
The idea that we can never show a sign of weakness lest we be judged not
big enough, strong enough, or tough enough to do “the Job.” I definitely fit
into that category of, never say I quit!
But there I was, after finishing the primary search on the first floor,
and then opening up the roof. My company
was given their third assignment, “Go in and start overhauling the
kitchen.” The two story house that had
been converted into two apartments was still charged with enough smoke and heat
to require going back on air.
Being a good soldier, I tightened up the mask and clicked on the regulator. As I drew in my breath to open the regulator
I was overwhelmed with exhaustion, feeling that I wouldn’t be able to lift my
arms above my shoulders. I then became
aware that I was breathing very heavy and feeling as though I needed more air
than I could take in.
It was in that moment I felt it.
Not pain, not an ache, but yet there it was, this weird feeling. My
chest, huh, I never felt that before. So
there I was, exhausted, out of breath, and feeling for lack of a better term,
not right. But wait, I’m a good soldier,
I’m indestructible, and I get the job done.
What do I do now?
I called it. I tapped out. I told
my Captain I had to step out. I was done
and needed to take a break. With that I
walked out and pulled my pack and coat off and sucked the warm water spraying
out of a hose coupling. It took a good
10-15 minutes for me to regain my energy but it took a couple of days to
recover from the night.
All too often as fireman, we get a false sense of invisibility that
makes us push through anything we are confronted with, thinking we need to
endure whatever confront us. In my time
in the fire service I have watched too many of my co-workers, my friends, and the
people I call my second family go down because they likely refused to stop for
whatever reason. I wonder now if they
had felt any of the warning signs.
I believe that like so many things in life we are given warnings. Was this my warning shot? What am I being warned about? Is it time for me to slow down? So many questions but one obvious answer, I
need to step up to the challenge of being human. Just like most other things in life we all
have an expiration date. There is only so much I can handle, both physically
and mentally.
Just as I needed to tap out from the physical demands from that fire so
I must also tap out when the mental demands become more than I can bear. For the fire, command just sent in the next
company to take over and the job got done.
After the fire was out and the next day as I thought about what just
happened I am now confronted with the reality of my time fighting the fight is
limited.
What do I do now is the question that haunts the depths of my mind, in
places I don’t want to go. We all have
that place even if we don’t admit it, it there and it effects how we live our
life. For me, my saving grace is close
friends that understand me and what I do.
Even more that my circle of friends is my Christian faith. I know with all my heart that the Lord has
brought me to this place for His plan. I
will rest in knowing that He knows what is next for me. In the mean time I will continue to serve and
grow in understanding of my limitations.
If you can relate in any way but feel alone in the mix of your situation
please reach out! ILFFPS is probably the best resource I have seen for
firefighters in my years in the service.
Please don’t go it alone.
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